Toxic Relationships

Your doctor. Your  neighbor. Your high school friend.  Your previous roommate.  Your hairdresser.  Hopefully NOT your spouse or partner. Hopefully NOT your family members.

We all have a few toxic relationships in our lives.  Those people we cannot let go, despite the negative energy that surrounds us when together, the chase to freshen the air. And when does the relationship change from fruitful or comfortable to toxic? Sometimes we can pinpoint one specific event, sometimes it is a path we journey on together.

Why do we maintain these relationships?  Why not sever them?  Maybe it is because it’s easier to just say YES than explain why NO should be the new answer.  Maybe it is because of the history of two players—or three-or four—who we think know more of our history than others do.  Maybe it is because we think we can move backwards, before the toxicity moved in between us, if we work hard enough.   Maybe we HOPE that by working hard enough, we can remove the toxicity, re-create the past.

It might be a combination of any of the above, changing by the person in question.

This question has been in my mind for a couple of years now, on and off.  And I still do not have an answer.  Any suggestions, my readers?  And suddenly I wonder if I might be the cause of any toxic relationships, of which I am unaware.  I certainly hope not.

P.S.  In case you wonder, I doubt any of my readers are in danger of falling  into the toxic category.

and an after thought on 5/22/12–I am thinking that some relationships simply “run the course”  and are fading, but not yet disappeared.

Purging House and Office

This year I dug deep to prepare for the neighborhood garage sale.  Not an annual participant, we had done some remodeling so there is much to purge this year—furniture, linens, lamps, grandma’s clutter from forgotten drawers, scads of stuffed animals (though the girls found some of their old treasured friends too), dusty books, unused sports’ gear, mismatched kitchenware.  It feels great to lighten the load, then hopefully end up with a couple dollars for each of us, donating the remnants.

I think it’s time to do the same swap out, clean up for my business.  After 20+ years of doing similar work, including consulting for 14 years, I have been itching, wanting to change up my job, my clients, my days.  My weekends are incredibly full, but by Sunday night the Monday-morning-blues are already invading my brain.  Not the way to run a business.

Most of my clients are innovative, smart people who run their own publishing/media firms, and I have grabbed wisdom and insights from each of them.  While I have my own firm, watching these leaders makes me covet owning something tangible of my own.  I am so fortunate to have worked with some incredible people,  as their businesses grow, products morphing as the times change.

I have consciously lightened the client load this year, and the freedom has allowed me to delve deeper into my current clients’ projects.  It has also given me a smidge of time to re-evaluate my work process, the projects I enjoy most, and what work I can outsource to others.  It’s been rewarding, it’s been exciting, it’s been frustrating, and it’s made me think—it’s time to make some more changes.  Purge the clutter, invite the new, embrace the changes, overcome the fear of branching out. It will take time to implement new changes and ideas, but with some time, planning and hard work it will hopefully happen.

It’s my business.  I think that anyone who has their own business should find it inspiring, play to their strengths, remove the dust, keep it fresh. Doing the same for too long causes complacency.  C

 

Corpse Pose

Savasana or corpse pose.  You would think that the relaxation of savasana at the end of practice, laying on the floor with eyes closed, would be the simplest of all the poses.  Physically, it doesn’t get much easier than this.  Secretly, after a challenging workout, I look forward to the few minutes to stretch out with no one demanding, no phones, no computer, no “Mom”.

But, mentally, it consistently slays me how hard this pose is.  Most days, I find it virtually impossible to clear my mind doing savasana,  even focusing solely on my breathing.  I try, but streams of life outside the studio keep sneaking into my brain.  It is so hard to be in-the-moment, knowing that life is banging outside the door, my private time almost over.

I try to force any rational thought from my mind, enjoy the end of my routine—whether in class or at home alone.  And after a couple extremely stressful work nights, try to stay awake.

It is hard to rationalize that doing absolutely nothing is so difficult.  But it is. Namaste. C

Shutting off the Email

People can wait.  The beep of the email arrival doesn’t mean that every message deserves equal, critical attention the moment it hits the in-box.

For years, I tried to answer emails as they came in.  The ding in the in-box was like the proverbial snap of the finger—read me now!  Give me your attention! This certainly did not allow me to focus on what I was working on. Then I realized that people began expecting immediate answers, day and night.

Over the past couple years,  I made a conscious effort to not answer emails right away.  More recently, I have taken the more drastic step of completely shutting down email for an hour or two each day, allowing me to focus on the project in front of me.   Sometimes I do this a couple times a day, and I have found that my productivity has increased dramatically, my work quality has improved, I am less stressed about the in-box to-do list, and not one person has complained about me responding to an email in a few hours rather than a few minutes.

I have the freedom of mainly working from home, juggling several clients.  With a lack of face-to-face meetings, I think it was easy to get into long-term email conversations.  But our in-boxes have been overloaded.  People cover-their-asses by copying everyone on group emails, then replying to everyone, and so on and so on, exacerbating the email glut.

So I am not only emailing less, I am using the phone more.  It is so easy to misconstrue ideas in an email. Talking through a large project, timelines, or  resolving a problem can oftentimes be resolved quicker in a call than 57 emails, with less room for disconnect between the parties involved.

Email is still a great tool I use through the workday.  But it can distract, overload, confuse.  And it doesn’t take place of the human voice, the handshake, the conversation, the doodles that can help provide a solution, inspire our creativity, keep us on task with goals, and simply add back the human element back into our workdays.  C

Everyone Wants Me ….to Shop!

Regretfully, I have another birthday sneaking up on me in May.  Lest I forget, it seems like every store I frequently shop at has sent me reminder coupons and gift cards.  Some are really token gifts including

$10 off Kohls

$5 off DSW

$15 off a restaurant chain

$10 off Victoria’s Secret

$15 off Loft

I am sure if I look really hard I can actually spend just the amount on the cards in each store, but what is the likelihood of that really happening?  Especially $5 off at a shoe store.

Then there are the gifts with a catch.  “Save $20 off a $50 purchase” coupon.  And the “save $10 off a $50 purchase—IF you use our credit card.”  I don’t count these as “gifts”, since I have to spend a bunch of my hard-earned cash to even use them.  Who are these really a gift for?  Me?  The store?  If I was to tell my friend that I would take her out for her birthday dinner, but that she would have to pay for everything but the tip and dessert, would that really be an appreciated gift?

Frankly, we know these cards are not gifts.  Enticements to shop, really.   I will try to use some of the real “freebies” but the others will probably be recycled at the end of May unless I HAPPEN to be shopping and use them. C

Legacy of Friendship

This weekend I was fortunate to spend time with two incredible groups of friends.   After two evenings of celebration, laughter, dancing, a few tears, discussing family old and young, life-changes, film, books, and a rainbow of other topics,   I have spent a lot of time thinking about my friendships.

I think that for many women—myself included—our friends are the cement we need to hold our lives together, to fill in the empty spaces, to help us when life challenges us,  to send us a text or call that makes us smile, to rejuvenate us,  to make a meal, to carpool, to walk with, to hold our hands and say nothing, to hope.

We all have friends who have faded away, as we move into different phases of life.  Memories and photos with those friends may make us wistful for the lost connections, but we can remember those times with fondness. We can hug and laugh when we run into these former friends, in person or online.

But, an unexpected, angry break with a friend can cause a popping crack in our foundation.  A purposeful, seemingly hateful act can be visceral so long after it’s initial impact, it is heartbreaking. Whether we are 15, 25, 45, or 65 a long-time friend can use words and actions against us, steal our boyfriends/husbands/other girlfriends, backstab, ignore, lie, forget.

What will be your legacy of friendship?  I hope that I will be the friend who can comfort you, support you when you are hurt, angry, sad. I hope that I can make you laugh today. I hope that I never intentionally harm a friend to hurt their psyche, their smiling eyes, their heart.   I hope that I listen carefully, keep your secrets. I hope that if we are close enough we can be honest with the stories in our hearts and to tell each other if there is spinach in our teeth.

There are so many clichés about friendship, but I truly believe that we should be the friends we hope to have.  And pass these lessons to our girls, so they may surround themselves with inspirational, trustworthy, loving friends who can make them laugh, watch them cry.  For without my circles of  friends, my life would be barren.

C

A Lesson from Maya, while Maya Lessons

“I want the biggest horse,” nine-year old Maya declared as she walked up the mounting ramp.

“This is Shiloh, one of the biggest we are using today,” Susan, the group coordinator replied, as I walked Shiloh by the mounting block/ramp to let Maya climb on.

Maya smiled, shyly pet the Shiloh’s withers, then froze.

“She is too big,” she complained.

“No, she’s perfect,” Susan replied.  “She is super sweet.  Just put your foot in the stirrup, and I will help you over.”

Maya refused, too scared to move.  Susan mounted Shiloh herself, to show Maya how her how Shiloh would simply stand in place until I led her away.

“No, I’m not getting on,” Maya stubbornly explained.

“Why don’t you walk with her, then maybe decide,” Susan reasoned.  There were several other girl scouts to get onto horses, so we could begin our riding.

“OK,” Maya answered as she walked back down the ramp, while I moved Shiloh away from the mounting block.

This occurred last weekend while I was leading horses at Equestrian Connection with kids without special needs there—since EC was hosting a girl scout troop—and it was quite different from what I usually did.

In the middle of the arena, I showed Maya how to hold  the lead rope.   We walked a little bit around the arena,  then we stopped and I had her pet Shiloh’s soft black neck.

Susan walked over to us once the other girls were mounted, and we showed Maya how Shiloh liked to nuzzle her palm. Once Maya pet her soft nose, she sighed and agreed to get on Shiloh again.

We walked back to the mounting block, and with only a slight hesitation Maya climbed onto Shiloh’s back.  We walked slowly around the arena, me holding onto the lead rope  and Megan and Kelsey side walking on either side of Shiloh.  Maya was

We were amazed as this tiny girl’s transformation.  Maya had never been on a horse.  Maya initially refused to mount Shiloh.  Maya changed from physically tense to enjoying the exercises and games with the groups.

While standing, Maya closed her eyes and placed her hands on her head.  While walking, Maya stood up and hit the hanging balls, first with the left hand than the right.  She finally held onto the reins, helping to steer Shiloh over the obstacle course.  She played the hanging baseball game, throwing stuffed animals into the open holes, and played red light-green-light, directing us when to stop-go-and even stand-up on Shiloh’s back.

Thanks Maya, for reminding me that we can reach beyond the limitations we set upon ourselves.  We can stretch our bodies, our minds, and enjoy.  It will be worth it.  C

Final Lenten Thankfulness Journal

This was the last partial week of keeping my thankfulness journal for Lent.  For someone who is a cusp practicing Catholic, I am amazed I completed this exercise. I learned a few things,  became more aware of the small moments that make up my life.

4/4/12             I am thankful for           

making it to the track meet after Devon’s first MSN soccer game and victory.

Workday Panera meetings.  Truly productive.

Not having to clean my house this week.

4/5/12 I am thankful for

Marie and Jeff arriving from MI!  (instead of continuing their wrong-way drive to Cincinnati)

Homemade chips & salsa. YUM!!

Finally seeing the documentary “Buck.”  Inspiring story, heartbreaking background.

4/6/12 I am thankful for

Devon finally got her braces.

Playgrounds.

adding a slew of new vacation pictures to the digital frame.

4/7/12 I am thankful for

first yoga class since surgery.  Felt great!

sunny start to ELA soccer for Devon.

Dinner out with Jeff and Marie while cousins decorated eggs.

4/8/12 Happy Easter!  Lent is over.  C

Thankfulness Journal, Week 6 Lent

Almost finished with my thankfulness journal, for Lent.  This has been an interesting experience, some days far easier than others to come up with three things to be thankful for, some routine work days a stretch.  A couple friends have told me that me sharing this has helped them to become a little more aware of their lives.  I feel like that pays it forward a little bit.

3/28/12 I am thankful for

sea turtles.

Devon trying parasailing the first time, Tara going on an ATV expedition.

Parasailing in Riviera Maya

Boys making up games wherever they go.

3/29/12 I am thankful for

safe travels home with kids old enough to keep themselves occupied on two flights.

Unexpectedly running into friends in the Charlotte airport.

Fun friends, great memories made on the beach.

3/30/12 I am thankful

for how many errands we can get done in one day, with no work, school, or kid activities.

Most of our family really wanted to see—and enjoyed—“Hunger Games.”  Lots of discussion.

Sometimes popcorn for dinner is enough.

3/31/12 I am thankful

we FINALLY bought Tara new furniture.

For dinner out with Pam and Steve—no kids!—then catching up with Patti and Jason.

All the kids found a friend to hang with, to finish off break.

4/1/12 I am thankful

all three kids decided to clean up/throw out old junk and papers. Overflowing garbage bin.

Tara’s furniture fits great in Ronan’s room, transforming it to a teen room.

Devon finally gets to use the restored makeup table she has wanted in her room.

4/2/12 I am thankful for

Erin A. inviting Tara and I to hear her read her Irish dance memoir aloud at her school.  Such a sweet tale about these two friends that brought Tara to tears.

finding one final container of homemade tortilla soup made with last year’s tomatoes.  I could taste summer in each bite.

Plowing through most of my emails from vacation.

4/3/12 I am thankful for

dog kisses.

sharing my vacation photos.

Ronan’s frigid, windy first track meet actually ended before dark.

C

Lenten Journal, Week 5

Week 5 with the Thankfulness Journal for Lent is easier, throwing a vacation into the mix.  I am behind posting, just returning from Mexico.

3/21/12 I am thankful for

bringing all needed documents to the accountant, and hearing the taxes will be finished in time.

Welcoming book club after frustrating clothes shopping.  Wine and Rob Lowe much enjoyed.

Winning the “quintessential 80’s hair cut” photo at book club.  What fun I had looking through my old photo albums to choose a photo.

True 80's hair, while in England.

3/22/12 I am thankful for

DEVON!!  Happy 14^th birthday!

A meeting postponed results in outdoor lunch with Colette on a gorgeous day.

Birthday dinner at Cheesecake Factory.  Yum!

3/23/12  I am thankful for

completing all vacation prep shopping, packing, errands, bank runs, work with a few hours to spare.

Theresa, for inviting us for dinner the last night in town.

Kerry’s spirit.

3/24/12 I am thankful for

leaving the country.

The smell of salty air.

Soft, white sand beneath my toes.

3/25/12 I am thankful for

no alarms for several days, no dogs jumping on the bed to awaken us.

Fresh sliced fruit and chocolate croissants.

Sky color = water color.  Amazing.

 3/26/12  I am thankful for

friends arriving, finding us on the beach.

Unending cocktails.

Watching my girls get massages on the beach.

3/27/12 I am thankful for

early morning walk on the beach, camera in hand.

finally, a drink at the poolside bar.

Group dinner, on the outdoor patio, divine.

C