Toxic Relationships

Your doctor. Your  neighbor. Your high school friend.  Your previous roommate.  Your hairdresser.  Hopefully NOT your spouse or partner. Hopefully NOT your family members.

We all have a few toxic relationships in our lives.  Those people we cannot let go, despite the negative energy that surrounds us when together, the chase to freshen the air. And when does the relationship change from fruitful or comfortable to toxic? Sometimes we can pinpoint one specific event, sometimes it is a path we journey on together.

Why do we maintain these relationships?  Why not sever them?  Maybe it is because it’s easier to just say YES than explain why NO should be the new answer.  Maybe it is because of the history of two players—or three-or four—who we think know more of our history than others do.  Maybe it is because we think we can move backwards, before the toxicity moved in between us, if we work hard enough.   Maybe we HOPE that by working hard enough, we can remove the toxicity, re-create the past.

It might be a combination of any of the above, changing by the person in question.

This question has been in my mind for a couple of years now, on and off.  And I still do not have an answer.  Any suggestions, my readers?  And suddenly I wonder if I might be the cause of any toxic relationships, of which I am unaware.  I certainly hope not.

P.S.  In case you wonder, I doubt any of my readers are in danger of falling  into the toxic category.

and an after thought on 5/22/12–I am thinking that some relationships simply “run the course”  and are fading, but not yet disappeared.

Legacy of Friendship

This weekend I was fortunate to spend time with two incredible groups of friends.   After two evenings of celebration, laughter, dancing, a few tears, discussing family old and young, life-changes, film, books, and a rainbow of other topics,   I have spent a lot of time thinking about my friendships.

I think that for many women—myself included—our friends are the cement we need to hold our lives together, to fill in the empty spaces, to help us when life challenges us,  to send us a text or call that makes us smile, to rejuvenate us,  to make a meal, to carpool, to walk with, to hold our hands and say nothing, to hope.

We all have friends who have faded away, as we move into different phases of life.  Memories and photos with those friends may make us wistful for the lost connections, but we can remember those times with fondness. We can hug and laugh when we run into these former friends, in person or online.

But, an unexpected, angry break with a friend can cause a popping crack in our foundation.  A purposeful, seemingly hateful act can be visceral so long after it’s initial impact, it is heartbreaking. Whether we are 15, 25, 45, or 65 a long-time friend can use words and actions against us, steal our boyfriends/husbands/other girlfriends, backstab, ignore, lie, forget.

What will be your legacy of friendship?  I hope that I will be the friend who can comfort you, support you when you are hurt, angry, sad. I hope that I can make you laugh today. I hope that I never intentionally harm a friend to hurt their psyche, their smiling eyes, their heart.   I hope that I listen carefully, keep your secrets. I hope that if we are close enough we can be honest with the stories in our hearts and to tell each other if there is spinach in our teeth.

There are so many clichés about friendship, but I truly believe that we should be the friends we hope to have.  And pass these lessons to our girls, so they may surround themselves with inspirational, trustworthy, loving friends who can make them laugh, watch them cry.  For without my circles of  friends, my life would be barren.

C

Thankfulness Journal, Week 6 Lent

Almost finished with my thankfulness journal, for Lent.  This has been an interesting experience, some days far easier than others to come up with three things to be thankful for, some routine work days a stretch.  A couple friends have told me that me sharing this has helped them to become a little more aware of their lives.  I feel like that pays it forward a little bit.

3/28/12 I am thankful for

sea turtles.

Devon trying parasailing the first time, Tara going on an ATV expedition.

Parasailing in Riviera Maya

Boys making up games wherever they go.

3/29/12 I am thankful for

safe travels home with kids old enough to keep themselves occupied on two flights.

Unexpectedly running into friends in the Charlotte airport.

Fun friends, great memories made on the beach.

3/30/12 I am thankful

for how many errands we can get done in one day, with no work, school, or kid activities.

Most of our family really wanted to see—and enjoyed—“Hunger Games.”  Lots of discussion.

Sometimes popcorn for dinner is enough.

3/31/12 I am thankful

we FINALLY bought Tara new furniture.

For dinner out with Pam and Steve—no kids!—then catching up with Patti and Jason.

All the kids found a friend to hang with, to finish off break.

4/1/12 I am thankful

all three kids decided to clean up/throw out old junk and papers. Overflowing garbage bin.

Tara’s furniture fits great in Ronan’s room, transforming it to a teen room.

Devon finally gets to use the restored makeup table she has wanted in her room.

4/2/12 I am thankful for

Erin A. inviting Tara and I to hear her read her Irish dance memoir aloud at her school.  Such a sweet tale about these two friends that brought Tara to tears.

finding one final container of homemade tortilla soup made with last year’s tomatoes.  I could taste summer in each bite.

Plowing through most of my emails from vacation.

4/3/12 I am thankful for

dog kisses.

sharing my vacation photos.

Ronan’s frigid, windy first track meet actually ended before dark.

C

Lenten Journal, Week 5

Week 5 with the Thankfulness Journal for Lent is easier, throwing a vacation into the mix.  I am behind posting, just returning from Mexico.

3/21/12 I am thankful for

bringing all needed documents to the accountant, and hearing the taxes will be finished in time.

Welcoming book club after frustrating clothes shopping.  Wine and Rob Lowe much enjoyed.

Winning the “quintessential 80’s hair cut” photo at book club.  What fun I had looking through my old photo albums to choose a photo.

True 80's hair, while in England.

3/22/12 I am thankful for

DEVON!!  Happy 14^th birthday!

A meeting postponed results in outdoor lunch with Colette on a gorgeous day.

Birthday dinner at Cheesecake Factory.  Yum!

3/23/12  I am thankful for

completing all vacation prep shopping, packing, errands, bank runs, work with a few hours to spare.

Theresa, for inviting us for dinner the last night in town.

Kerry’s spirit.

3/24/12 I am thankful for

leaving the country.

The smell of salty air.

Soft, white sand beneath my toes.

3/25/12 I am thankful for

no alarms for several days, no dogs jumping on the bed to awaken us.

Fresh sliced fruit and chocolate croissants.

Sky color = water color.  Amazing.

 3/26/12  I am thankful for

friends arriving, finding us on the beach.

Unending cocktails.

Watching my girls get massages on the beach.

3/27/12 I am thankful for

early morning walk on the beach, camera in hand.

finally, a drink at the poolside bar.

Group dinner, on the outdoor patio, divine.

C

Changing Expectations

Over the past few months I have found myself changing my expectations for many people around me–my clients, my vendors, my friends, my kids, my spouse, my siblings.  I think we have some expectations ground into us when we are young, from what our parents taught us.  Then life experiences, a recession, and watching others around us moderates our long-term thoughts.

From work, I expect to slave many hours per day at my computer, on the phone, in meetings.  And for those extra hours I will get more demands from clients, tighter deadlines, project piling on until I learned to say NO!, an occasional thank you. Vendors are working harder to keep up with rapid technology changes, the same tight deadlines, and the new products reaching across departmental lines.

I have learned to lower my expectations of my children’s grades, especially when they are viewable daily online. A recent conversation made me realize I was striving for unattainable perfection in them.  I will accept the reality that my kids are putting in extra effort, some subjects are easier for them to comprehend, and some interest them more than others.

As they get old enough to choose their electives for next year, they need to select ones that interest them, so they can start to form their own future paths, with some open conversations about where that path might lead. Outside of school, I expect that they will make mistakes, hopefully not repeat them.

I have been married over twenty years, with many of the “normal” events of marriage shaping the adults we have become–moves, children, illness, job changes, pets, new hobbies,old hobbies, loss of friends and family, illness, planting a garden, choosing paint colors, buying a new car-a sofa-toilet paper, vacations, volunteering.

Sometimes I have absolutely no expectations, making it easy for Bob to succeed.  And sometimes the everyday distractions make it possible for us to succeed together.  Ever make a to-do list that’s impossible to complete in one day? One week?  A lifetime? A marriage to-do list never ends.  And to set sky-high expectations will only doom it daily.

From my friends I have learned to accept their offerings–a meal, a smile, a text, a phone call, a gift, a flower, a joke, a card–with grace and gratitude.

And from myself, as my abilities to do much have diminished since surgery, I have lowered my expectations for myself.  I have raised the expectations for my family to contribute more with the house cleaning, the shopping, the cooking, the laundry, the dogs.  Being forbidden to lift more than 10 lobs for a full 12 weeks has certainly reshaped my reality.

And tonight, my expectations for this blog post have dropped dramatically from what I envisioned while walking to what I have typed into this computer.

C

PS.  The morning after addendum on 1/12/11 is that I realize that this list of expectations could be much longer.  I have left off a myriad of people/organizations we have expectations for, who may or may not live up to them:  the President, local politicians, the mail lady, the next U2 concert I attend, the grocery store clerks, bus drivers,  the next episode of “Top Chef”.   The list goes on.

Ghetto Porches

I was reluctant to attend my college reunion.  It’s a busy time, a busy summer, and it was another weekend away from home.  But, after emailing and connecting on Facebook with a wide variety of old friends who were going, I made the 6-hour drive to University of Dayton for my reunion. And what an incredibly fun time I had!

How many memories could we cram in one weekend? How many people to see again, to meet, to wander, to toast, to reminisce, to remember, to wonder, to dream of the past-the future-and truly embrace the present?

We all agreed the campus looked incredible, more upscale than when we were students, more green, the city truly welcoming it.  How fun it was to explore the old haunts, the bars, the infamous student area known as “the Ghetto” since before I was born, blocks of student housing where we lived, studied, partied, became adults, ate, burned couches after seemingly-ultra-important sports victories.  The university has along wanted to abolish the students calling it “the Ghetto” but the name lives on by both alumni and current student, the university wishes trampled upon some paper.

All the houses have  the ubiquitous porches where we congregated, celebrated; they were what made the Ghetto a community. Even houses have been destroyed and re-built by the university, sport the porches of the past, to share a thought, a drink, a “hello”, a smile.

A Typical UD Porch

Mis-matched chairs, a table, a stolen sign, forgotten beer bottles, holiday lights, even the half-hanging mailbox.  Perhaps sad-looking taken out of context, but too many memories for us.  Even this weekend, sharing a beer on a porch next to this one, people walking by waved, stopped to talk, joined us in a toast.

UD created such a positive sense of belonging and community while I was there, and that feeling lives on.  The friendliness of the people was one of the main reasons I chose to attend school there.  And some 20 years later, people were still friendly, still sharing.  So proud to be part of this Flyer family. So many memories flooding back even as I write this.

We did wonder–where did all those burning couches come from?  C

Coffee Break

Unplugged for one morning, a country came undone. 

While Suzanne and I sipped our tea and caught up–talking about the blizzard, families, work, vacations, college visits, the importance of our girlfriends–the Egyptian people surprised, shocked, overjoyed as President Hosni Mubarak announced his resignation from the Egyptian government.  While we caught up on the stories that keep our lives full and challenging and funny and changing, a leader toppled, people cheered, women wept, children hoped.

We will watch, we will follow, we will pray that the wrongfully imprisoned will be released, that women will be given more freedom,  that families will reunite, that children can smile, that the economy will grow, that the beauty-the mystery-the ancient worlds will be restored,  welcoming people again.

Don’t blink. What will we miss next? C

Weekend Getaway #1

Nine children, ages 2 to 13, climbed up the hill from the Lake Michigan beach to the rented villa at Blue Harbor Resort in Sheboygan, WI.  They had a very busy morning of playing in the tall grasses, building forts with old branches and weaving grasses together for the sides then jumping in the frigid water to cool off. Ah, the creativity when the TV and ipods and video games are turned off is amazing.

We parents relaxed on the beach,  strolling to the water’s edge, then wandering to see the kid’s project in creation, enjoying the slow weekend.  Blue Harbor was a fabulous nearby family getaway–only a 2 hour drive, where we could enjoy the beach in the morning, the indoor water park in the rainy afternoon, and sneaking to the outdoor pool when the sun reappeared.

We had as much fun as the kids on the twisty slides, racing each other on tubes and without.  When the bell sounded, everyone hustled to stand under the boat where 1000 lbs of water would dump on our heads.  And then finishing the waterpark time with a stint in the hot tub.

We had fascinating evening weather–enjoying cocktails on our deck while there were lightening storms where the horizon joined the water, clouds miraculously appearing as the thunder rumbled, then streaks of lightning crashing down to the waves.  After several hours of this fascinating sky, an orange orb cautiously arose from the water, peeking behind the clouds, then the moon lit the beach as it finally rested proudly above the receding clouds.

Having vacationed with the other 2 families before, we easily shared the food and drink preparation throughout the weekend.  It was great to have an extended time to spend with each other, catching up.  While running one morning, Sara and I saw many fisherman with their recent catches laid out on the dock for purchase. 

On our departure we shared a picnic of all the leftover food in a park, donning sweatshirts and hoping to avoid the raindrops. We then started to plan for next year, hoping to explore the town more.  C 

Just Another Party in the ‘Burbs?

Startlingly red beer cups found in our mailbox two days after the party were just another reminder of the fraternity party  neighborhood party that we hosted last weekend. I can’t imagine what the mail lady thought if she saw them earlier. 

Uncork the wine,  tap the keg, shake the bob-tinis of many flavors,  and mix favorite libations! These  were combined with non-stop food, music and conversation until 3 am. Everyone stripped off their winter cocoons  and let loose that night.  What a riot of an evening, with absolutely no negative drama, just neighbors and new friends getting a bit wild. A beautiful summer night, once the mosquitoes abated, many people spent time on the deck or the screened-in porch.

What began a tame, typical party quickly transformed as one group of boys men left at midnight to shave one’s head!  We waited for their return, a bit stunned they would actually go through with it…but they did. As the dancing began, it seemed appropriate that the cruise crew began with Low; later several dj’s took turns with the ipod–so there was a lot a musical variety.

Shatter! went a beer bottle onto the floor (there was a reason we had a keg…but alas it was gone by 1 am). 

Crash! A human domino falling into the table, knocking off the digital frame, the lamp falling onto the couch and the human himself landing mere inches away from the fish tank.  Imagine us trying to salvage flopping fish if the tank was destroyed or worse yet, calling 9-1-1. Phew!

Rip! went the arm of the fraying arm chair. no one claimed responsibility for that incident.

Ha!  ha!  Went the laughter as we danced almost until dawn.

A memorable night was had by most, though a few were a bit blurry on how it ended.  Next year–tattoos for all?  C

 

50-50 Friends

Everyone has them–men, women, boys, girls.  We cannot escape them; some are drawn to them like the unknowing fish to the wriggling, hooked worm, pricked and caught, the lucky set free.  Do they even know what they do?  They must, it happens so frequently.

You know them–We invite them to our outings, we include them in our plans, and they may or may not show up.  They may not even call to say they are not coming.  Why is it that some people think it’s perfectly okay to accept an invitation, then cancel for reason #43 or #97 on their list of excuses?  And we accept the lame reasons with a flourish of the hand, we are so used to it.

Yes, I know that we all have times when we need to reschedule, but there are some who we just expect to cancel. The few I will only pencil onto the calendar, since why bother with the ink that won’t last the day?

Why is their time so much more valuable than ours?  Why does catastrophe (in the most untrue sense of the word) follow their steps, coating them at every chance with the next reason to phase out?  

Why do we continue to include them, if they only show up 50% of the time.  When they are there, they are often witty, inclusive people whom make for a fun event.  

We have just learned that we shall are not depend on them.  I wish they came with a blue freckle on their neck, or a streak of green hair, so I could identify them right off, rather than waste many a good evenings learning they may or may not join us for a cuppa.  I just hope I am never known as a 50-50 friend.  If I was, I would think it time to choose some new companions, or rearrange my life a bit. C