Learning to Trust your Gut

A youth counselor. A pediatrician. A neighbor. A teacher. A priest. A classmate.

Respected elders?  Sometimes.  But several recent conversations, these were the people who tried to take sexual advantage of either me or friends when we were younger.

Last weekend’s conversation reminded me of the importance of teaching our kids to “trust their guts”.   Even as adults, we are so programmed from our youth to respond yes to “authority figures” We should remind ourselves and our children that is perfectly okay to say NO.

If we TEACH our kids to trust their feelings, and to listen to their instincts, it might help them avoid a potentially dangerous situation.  We are animals, and our instincts have evolved over centuries.  We need to teach them to listen to their bodies, which can give them warnings that only they can feel:

•  If a situation feels creepy, it probably is.  Get out, if you can.   It is NOT okay for a young classmate to expose himself to you—one, two, three times—while others smirk in the corners, watching the show created for you.
•  If you suddenly hear the waves in your ears, ocean miles away, your fingers feeling electric with awareness, take a step back.  When someone asks you to “just send them a naked picture” or “wants to take a few sexy pictures with you” know that when it feels uncomfortable, you can say NO!
•  That pit in your stomach, when someone touches you, even on our shoulder, when you want to pull away.  When the doctor asks you to strip down because you have a cold, ask WHY?
•  That shrieking internal voice screaming “THIS ISN’T RIGHT!!”  means “LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.  I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE.”  And do it.  Walk away, run away.

Kids, trust your parents, or an older sibling, or a teacher that you DO feel comfortable with. Try to talk to someone if a person has tried to hurt you, coerce you, threaten you, buy you, or you just know that something isn’t right.

Parents, trust your kids.  When they stammer that they don’t want to be around a specific teacher, doctor, babysitter, neighbor, they are most likely saying it because  their internal warning signals have said not to trust someone they are “supposed” to.  Great for them, that they recognized these feelings.

Sometimes kids—and adults—can’t verbalize WHY they don’t trust someone, don’t want to be around them.  And that is OKAY.

These recent conversations were scary because of how many people I know were preyed upon, fortunately with no success.  But another weakened day, and any of us might have been victims.  A life-lesson for me that “trusting my gut” is still important, sometimes my kids can be wiser than me about certain people, and teaching them to “trust their gut” can be life-saving.

Take tonight to talk to your kids.  Share these words with them, if you wish.  It is that important to me. C

2/8/12–Two updates.  One is the sad fact that an elementary school in LA is replacing their ENTIRE staff after arrests for 2 teachers committing lewd acts, a third one today.  Two is that it is incredible how many people reached out to me on FB today to share their similar stories.  TALK TO YOUR KIDS NOW!!  Have the squirmy conversations now, strengthen your kids–and yourself–for life.

Trouble 201

Boy trouble.  Girl trouble. Schoolwork trouble. Sports trouble. Friend trouble.  Hair trouble. Outfit trouble. Decision-making trouble.  Sleeping trouble. Waking trouble.

As the kids get older, helping them navigate their expanding worlds and changing brains and bodies gets more difficult.  The choices and decisions now seem so much harder to make than which diaper to buy, when to offer soft foods, when to let them ride their bikes around the block alone.

We help them think through their options but hope for the best outcome for them, in the longterm.  We hope to help them grow undamaged, supporting them through their tears and questions.  A hug. A smile. A tear ourselves.

I thought today about those kids without support, who cannot or will not approach their parents.  I thought about those whose guardians assume they the solve their own problems, resolve their own issues.  I thought about those raised in a hostile world, no where to turn.  No hope.  Only loneliness, confused ideas, unresolved problems. cornered, unanswered.

Isn’t that our job as parents?  Step outside ourselves when our kids are in need, listen, guide them as they talk through their feelings, their issues, their concerns.  Then watch, hope they  continue to move forward. C

 

“I will never….”

Ah, the self righteousness of the inexperienced and the innocents.  From the mouths of blatherers both well-intended and inspired and in the unspoken words but obvious body gestures come the thoughts of those who have yet-to-experience certain phases of life.  Parenthood, I’m thinking about specifically, right now.

We all know them, and we have been them ourselves, whether we admit it or shake our heads no.  My friends and I sometimes joke now about never saying “I will never…” since it might come to pass that “I will… ” in fact do what I pinky swore not to do.

There are the things people say before having children like “I will never take drugs during childbirth-give my baby formula-lose my temper with my child-use disposable diapers-let my child run my life-stop staying out until 3 am (well, that one might be true…)-put my child in daycare-be a stay at home mom-work outside the home”.

When you hold that tiny infant, hope to protect it from all the evils and bad influences that surround him or her, you don’t remember all those “I will nevers” as you manage to get through each day, perhaps adding another child or puppy or lizard to this mix.  Watching friends and strangers in the world, thoughts then become “I will never buy my boy a toy gun (but then realize that boys turn ANYTHING into a weapon)-let my child get really hurt in the playground-use the TV as a baby-sitter-let my child have a sleepover until he/she is 10-feed my kid chicken nuggets and other beige food several times a week-let my child wear designer clothes-walk to the bus themselves.”

The list gets longer as the children get older.  “I will never let my son play tackle football-spend a fortune in time and money on travel sports-be as involved in their school as my mom was-let them be too busy-nag them-when they are teenagers, let them go to the mall/amusement park/Chicago/movies with no adults-ride a car with a 16 year old driver-ride their bikes on sidewalkless busy roads-yell at my child-worry enough to check their text messages.”

How many of your “I nevers” have you done?  In hindsight, I will try to abstain from the “I nevers” since life is so unpredictable. The list I would have for when my eldest turns 16 would be sickeningly long.  I do know that I will never knowingly let my kids host a party that involves alcohol while they are underage, and after seeing my neighbor’s daughter go out recently I will never let my daughters go out in THAT dress. 

And I hope I will never have a blue grey curly perm when I am in my 70′s.  But no promises. C

Relish Your Ink-Free Days

The clock is now running at high speed, hands spinning faster and faster as we hurtle towards the start of school, trying to absorb the ending summer days while working and shopping for school supplies and marking schedules on the calendar and starting practices and buying clothes and STOP! 

Lean back slowly, close your eyes, take a deep breath through your nose while counting one-two-three, exhale through your mouth, and suddenly the clock decelerates to normal speed, frantic thoughts flow in a straight line and some of the extra mental weight simply vanishes.  As we parents consciously strive to Slow the pace down, our children can hopefully follow our paths, frenetic movements disappearing into the haze.

It is not easy in today’s environment to Slow down, take a breath, when everywhere we see HURRY!  NOW!  GO! The thought of falling behind the group is terrifying at first, then acceptable, as we realize that we don’t need to fall out with our friends simply because we say NO sometimes to one more outing or one more label or one more activity.

I have spent this summer physically and mentally trying to Slow down our family, and it is not easy.  But it’s working, and we all seem happier, more relaxed. (see 23 June post for more information on Slowing down)   Two weekends ago, with my daughters just back from camp, we were swimming in our nearby lake, lounging on our huge blow-up raft nicknamed The Island of Doom- the best $60 investment I made last summer–when my older daughter asked me ”What else are we doing today?”

“This is it.  This is all I have planned, ” I replied as I watched the clouds dancing across the sky, a cool breeze shimmering over the water.

“OK,” she smiled, diving into the water.  And we hung out on the water and the beach, until the kids were ready to head home to start dinner.

This past weekend we amazingly had our second free consecutive Sunday.  After an early morning grocery run, we spent the day not filing or shopping or cleaning but going on a long bike ride with a picnic, as I wrote about yesterday. 

When given the freedom of an empty calendar, don’t always feel the need to fill it in.  Explore your local area, have a picnic with friends, take your kids shopping, lay in the hammock, work in your gardern, go to the movies, play a game, visit somewhere you have never been or somewhere familiar that you have not seen in awhile.  Do not let the lack of ink on that day scare you-as I think it does some-but embrace your free time.  

I find that the more days we have carved a singular activity out of an ink-free day, the more we crave it.  As our family has become closer and more content this summer, I hope can extend this Slowness into the school year. C

A Separate Life

I have long thought of my children as a part of me, an extension of me-my husband-my parents-our upbringing-our beliefs-their friends–where we live-their hobbies and interests-but always a part of me.  While they head off to school each morning, then to their activities and other outings , I have long felt they were an integral part of who I am.  As they are growing older, I am becoming more aware of them choosing what to claim as their own.

This becomes abundantly clear as I peruse the daily online camp photos, searching for pictures of them in new activities, giggling with people I do not know, and involved in camp rituals of which I will never be a part.  I miss their laughing faces, I yearn to know what they are becoming as they test the waters (literally) around them. 

It becomes a more separate life, as our children grow and reach and develop into who they will become, as we did. They will have their private codes, things hidden from me, secrets they keep from their friends, and thoughts they will even hide from themselves.

I realize that I can only guide them on their journey as they create new paths, follow some already lain, get lost and hopefully found, in a quest to Be.  May the voyages never end; I am still searching and wandering my own paths, not knowing where they will lead.  Camp is a short stop in their trek, but one where they will hopefully learn to fend without their parents and usual cohorts. C

Under Pressure–Parents and Children Today

Carl Honoré’s new book Under Pressure should be required reading for all new parents. It is full of practical, real world advice for parents today trying to maneuver through political, competitive, consumer-oriented terrain with differing advice from a variety of “professionals” with questionable backgrounds to be dispensing nuggets to bewildered and sometimes overwhelmed parents.

A parent himself, Honoré has dealt with many the issues he discusses, but he brings true examples from around the globe to state his case about how easing off can postively impact our families. He also looks at an enormous amount of research in parenting, childrearing, sports, education, competition, and a variety of other areas.  The subtitle of his book Rescuing our Children from the Culture of Hyperparenting brings a similar Slowing down focus as his previous book In Praise of Slowness (see 23 June 08 blog post for more on this book).

Each chapter tackles a different subject facing families today: early years, toys, technology, education, extracurricular activities, sports, discipline, consumerism, and safety. It seemed such a natural flow from one chapter leading to the next.   I was also fascinated  with  the amount of history he brought to life, discussing the evolution of his subjects from homework to health and sports. 

Under Pressure is not anti-parenting or anti-technology or anti-education, it simply gives a fresh look at many of the issues I face on a regular basis.  I was surprised how different some cultures (US to Japan to Korea to Finland) view education, competition, and extra-curricular activites but how similar families worldwide are trying to change child-rearing practices and parental involvement today.

I found most of the information in the book common sense, rather than earth shattering, but I see nothing wrong with looking at things from a fresh perspective.   I am glad that Honoré didn’t try to set out a model for us to follow, as we all have different family dynamics, finances, belief systems and educational issues, but laid things out for us to make the right decisions for our families. 

I agree with the what I think is main tenet of the book–for our children to succeed, we need to let them be children longer, let them develop and explore their passions by giving them freedom to play, and to let them make some mistakes along the way. Hopefully this will allow them to grow into creative-thinking, happy, adjusted adults with a variety of interests. 

Sounds so simple, doesn’t it?  And summer seems like the perfect time to let them PLAY. C

Comments from the author Carl Honoré, from his blog 13 July 08

Thanks for your very generous words, Cindy. It’s interesting that you mention the title. To be honest, I’ve never liked it – it was the publishers who made me do it! I feel the title is too negative, when the book is actually meant to be upbeat and hopeful, to make everyone feel less anxious and clenched about children. I especially dislike the sub-title because it uses the phrase “hyper-parenting.” To me, it sounds like the book is demonizing parents when the opposite is true. Childhood is the way it is today because our whole culture has shifted, and often parents just get swept along in the flow. Schools, advertisers, politicians, bureaucrats, doctors, sports coaches – so many other people beyond parents have a hand in shaping our children’s lives. Anyway, that’s my little rant for the day…Maybe the sub-title will get changed in the paperback edition…

Slowing Down

So many of us move at breakneck pace through life, trying to cram in so much we can’t absorb the smell of lilac or gentle touch of a child or our lover in our frenetic paces. Many of my friends are consciously trying to Slow down,  teaching our families to move slower in the languid summer months to recooperate from the stress-filled school year.  Hopefully some Slow living can still exist into the fall.

Carl Honoré’s book In Praise of Slowness, now four years old, made me think about my life as I read though it. Honore was one of the more entertaining speakers we saw at the Printer’s Row Book Fair earlier this month, (6/8/08 posting), so I read his first book waiting for my local library to have a copy of his new book  Under Pressure available.

Broken into succinct chapters, In Praise of Slowness talks about bringing Slowness into different areas of our lives: cities, education, food, mind/body, work, sex, leisure, and children.  He uses research and stories about how people were able to improve their lives by Slowing down–while not eschewing the technologies that we daily use. 

We already try to incorporate some of his ideas into our daily lives;  one of the most together and focused times we have are the days we can have a family-meal.  We try to do this 4-5 nights at week, and it’s when we talk about our day and discuss the next day’s plans/schedules. It’s much easier during the summer months to do this.

A well-thought out approach to slowing-down many aspects of our lives, he brings anecdotes from people and organizations worldwide to show how speed is impacting all of us.  If we can teach ourselves to Slow down in one area, that Slowness might  flow into other areas of our lives. I personally do not want to Slow down as much as some people in his book, but I have become more aware of my driving speed, our eating habits, and my children’s actitives since reading his book.

I want to ask Honoré if he rides horses.  It’s the natural instinct when approaching a jump in a course to speed up, lean forward, and charge at it, which will only help launch us over the horse’s head.  My trainer has said on number of occasions:  “Wait for it. Wait for it” even while picking up a little pace and “Don’t jump ahead of the horse” as I approach the jump.   My nerves settle and the jump is smooth and comfortable, not hurried and sloppy, so I can concentrate and ride to the next jump.

Whether there truly is a global “movement” to Slow down–though there are certainly organizations that espouse Slowing down– I can’t answer, but I hope to infuse a little Slowness in my family’s existence this summer.  In between work and chauffering and meal preparation and spending time with my kids and reading my book and exercise and writing and taking photos,  I think I can squeeze Slowness in.  (ha) C

6/24: In response to my blog, Carl Honoré had this to say in an email about his link to horses:

Love(d) you blog. I used to ride a bit when I was a child and I remember that feeling of having to slow down to the horse’s rhythm, or at least not try to force it. T(ha)t is one of the nice things about animals – they know their tempo giusto and they’re sticking to it.

Soccer Knees

The thought of practicing “diving headers”, while the ground is soft enough to swallow cleatless-shoes and drops of half-frozen rain skitter from the sky, makes me shiver.  To my daughter, this was the most fun practice she had all season.  In mud from the front of her face to the heels on her socks, she was still giggling as she hopped in the shower to scrub down.

While she was writhing in mud,  I was cheering on my son as he scored a goal during his soccer game, wrapped in a down sleeping bag, wearing my hat and gloves.  This would be followed later in the day by opening baseball day in the same stop-and-go relentless windy rain.

My friends and I watched that never-ending baseball game yesterday,  knowing it was part of the mom (and dad) job description to suffer through the game hoping for one successful hit or a catch, the latter rare for 8-year-olds.

Yes, my weekends and after-school time is filled watching endless soccer, baseball, and basketball games, concerts and dance recitals,  boys climbing trees and me cleaning the scrapes that follow the fall, tennis in the driveway, practicing spelling words, which is the new High School Musical poster on the wall?, tears after a bad game, testing the newest cookie recipe, wearing handmade jewelry, and paging through scores of school sheets.

It’s time-consuming, it’s wonderful, it’s spontaneous, it’s sometimes maddening, it’s eye-opening, it’s stressful, and I hope for them to succeed in each endeavor they try.  It’s my job, and I love it and the things my children teach me.  I laugh with them, cry with them, cheer with them, scold them when they need it, and hug them even when they don’t. 

I will suffer through the rain-filled days, because I know tomorrow may be sunny. With maybe a surprise sparkling rainbow in-between. C